it begins here...

I don't know how to begin my "blogging"... so I'll just post my profile write up for my account in g4m...

every year something new comes your way, so please take the time to read...


dec 2005, the night i joined this site...

hi! thanks for dropping by. I'm 38 now. If you happened to have passed by several years ago, I would have been dying to make out with you. But I guess this time, its different. If its loneliness or boredom that brought you here, then, maybe I can share with you a thing or two. If you are for hookups, good luck to you. If you are still confused or in denial as to why you are here, well, life's a journey.

So thanks for passing by...

aug29,2006

39. waited 39 years. when i was 29 you came and it felt like heaven. heaven lasted three years. then a long pause. longing. desperation. going 30's made me scared as all my friends were turning almost two decades with the relationships that they had at the time... i was always left alone. so i tried to find you again. searched for you. then somehow i saw a glimpse of you that midnight in puerto galera. it was my big mistake, forcing it. making myself believe that it was you i found. but no matter how big the mistake i made, it was enough to move me to make my first full length digital movie. that movie is history now. then i saw the promised you again. but it was all a mistake. one big mistake because i rushed and forced it, your coming into my life... only to realize that it was never you...

so now, 39 years of waiting and believing that you will be coming... i think its time to hang up.

i long, still... i feel you are there. but does it still matter if i find you in this lifetime?

i will be leaving all these by my lonesome anyway.


Oct 30, 2007

Took me a while this year to write my insights now that i am 40. did you know that a lot of my passersby read my 2006 entry as something sad? when in fact for me it was something happy, something very neutral...

I guess, it will depend on how you have been and where you are coming from. So how you feel when you read 2006, will be how you saw and felt about your recent experiences or your most important past...

which is why, i write this... to tell you that you didnt make any mistakes. you didnt do anything wrong. i mean, none of those were intended to hurt me. and that i have not only forgiven you and, me... but i have also seen things from a different light.

we have made no mistakes. everything we have done and everyone who have crossed our path came in order for us to see how we have focused so much on the least important and almost lost what was always essential: true love...

this might scare you if i tell you that if you truly love, then life shouldn't stop for you, and the one you love... that you shouldn't force each other to commit... that you shouldn't be afraid that one day he may not see you again and be with someone else... true love will empower you that you can be by your lonesome and yet be happy with the good memories of the ones you loved, or should i say, the ones who helped you experience love, all the ideals and misconceptions of it...

so now i am in love... not the way that everyone sees it should be. but how i think true love should always be... something blissful yet never selfish because i am mostly single yet so committed to that one person who will complete me: no one else but i, me, myself... i was the one i was looking for after all...

and it helped a lot that one day, after being battered physically and emotionally by a partner, i decided that if i could not have the man i wanted then maybe i can have the next thing i wanted: making my own movies! so eight movies after, i am here, still single, yet very happy... yes, i do feel low sometimes but the ecstatic feeling of being finally complete without relying on someone else to make you feel happy, this is something that i pray others will eventually move on to, no matter how devastating, how painful, how tragic and traumatic their lovelives will be...

so i see you now, love, and i am happy to know that there are indeed others who are willing to be with me for the rest of their years to experience "life"...

i am taking my time now. 40. and the year is almost over. i wish you can be this happy.