are you happy now?

Met up with an old friend from up tonight. It's not like we haven't seen each other for ages, since we both work for the same network (though she's out of the country most of the time while I seldom go to the network's office.) Sipping coffee with another pretty thirty-something single mom, my old friend asked me: "what is your lesson in life so far?"

For you queer pals out there, you might say, it could be the moment that every beauty-pageant-loving-queer-guy had waited for: the moment someone asked you a philosophical question. A question you could answer with a witty statement worthy of the pageant-queen crown.

"What is your lesson in life, so far?"

I immediately answered her. Without really thinking about it, I told her, "Being happy is not about having a choice nor being able to get what you want. It is about accepting that what you can have at the moment is exactly how you need it at that time. So do not regret nor feel bitter about anything and try to enjoy your epiphanies."

Some of you might think that i was just trying to impress anybody including myself. But at that moment, I felt it was really like speaking from my heart.

Hours later, I went back to my independent movie production office-home, and looked at the clutter, the messy state of our ten-square-meters room. I thought about what i told my old friend earlier.

I saw the posters of the eight independent digital video movies that I have produced, written and directed and realized how little money I had from the beginning and until now. Way back in 2002, I was making some Sixty-thousand Pesos monthly. Now I don't have any idea if I was making any income each month. My contemporaries are now highly placed in major television networks while I would consider myself as a nobody up to this time.

Then my toy poodle Tupah started crying to call my attention. I tried to ignore her because I was trying to extract some tinge of regret from myself.

To be honest, I never saw myself as an artist, but, just a communicator with so little money and so much guts. I never won any of those high acclaims that other independent directors have won in international festivals abroad. But I kept making digital video movies.

I kept making the movies I wanted, even if several people even hated me for making movies that they considered to be far below their standards.

I kept making movies I wanted, even if my budget was far below the standard production-budget to afford a fifty-thousand pesos professional editor and the four-thousand per day professional cinematographer (dop).

I kept making movies I wanted, even if I didnt have a real set of creative production team of a professional or experienced line producer/manager, director of photography/cinematographer, production designer, editor, music scorer to make a professionally made movie.

I kept making movies I wanted, even if it it would mean I wouldnt have enough savings for my
hospitalization should I get into a health emergency.

I kept making movies I wanted, even if my love interests argued i never had time and then dumped me.

I kept making movies: "Duda" (Doubt), "Bathhouse", "Bilog" (Circles), "Metlogs", "Pitong Dalagita" (Seven Ladies), "Moreno" (Bronze), "Retaso" (Fragments), "Kiss Meeh Manananggal Me", "SEB Cyber Game of Love" and "Habi" (Weave).

And I have decided to make more: "Boylet", "Lansa" (Stench), "Showboyz", "Puerto Heat", "Ganda" (Beauty), "Maria Maria Marias", "Iglap" (Sudden), "Hinala" (Hunch)...

That's when I realized my lesson in life so far.

It was exactly as I said to my friend earlier and further... True bliss came into my life late, in my 39th year, because I have accepted and appreciated myself, even if many others didn't.

Because I began to accept and appreciate, I kept moving on, forward...

and I began to feel joy.

I then played with Tupah and had a good night of mindless chat with my "found family", Jojo and Rodel.