Do you love me?

Character Von Ragana asks his boy-love Erik in the digital movie "Duda" (Doubt): "... but do you love me... I mean, do you love me?" In the scene, Erik is starry eyed and he does not even have say it because his entire face is declaring his love for Von, but the latter even has to ask it. In the movie, Erik has a committed relationship with Cris which makes Von, the third party. When he asks the question, you begin to ask, is he just playing with Erik or he is, like Cris, in doubt, of the very young man's heart.

"Duda" was made in 2002 and just a few nights ago this February 2008, my old friend T and I went to talking about his partner (-then-ex-then partner again-then ex again-and so on and so forth) who to my opinion has been taking him for a roller coaster relationship.

They look cool together and he is as cute and charming as my friend T. I never witnessed them argue nor fight so I was just basing my opinion on what my friend told me. Well, aren't we supposed to be biased for our friends when it comes to their relationships?

Anyway, since last year, each time I asked my friend about his new relationship (T had an almost twelve years of live together relationship which eventually turned into a non-exclusive sexually open relationship until the other guy found someone he felt was worthy of dumping my friend T for), he would always mention about their recent argument and it was always about petty things that boiled down to him testing T's feelings.

The guy seemed to always doubt if T was really in love with him. Let me make this clear. I meant that the guy seemed to always require T to declare verbally that he loves him before everything would be solved. Other days he would just disappear and that left my friend hanging. All the time. The guy would be sweet then in a snap would find a reason to feel bad or offended about petty things and he would nag my friend or he would just walk away.

T was happy with the guy specially when they were okay because T really had feelings for him. And T really liked the sweetness and thoughtfulness of the guy.

But each time the guy was angry, T just couldn't see the declared love in his angry eyes nor in hurtful words. It was as if the guy never felt any of the positive declarations and insinuations about his love for T.

This happened several times in cycles that the last time the guy did the same thing, my friend didn't exert extra effort to appease him anymore.

My friend made it clear to me that he loved the guy. However, he just couldn't go through the rollercoaster ride anymore. And so when, just like before, after a few days, the guy started texting him again, T just gave a cold shoulder.

Of course, two weeks later, the shoulder gave way. They seemed to be back again and the guy seemed to be more cautious and maybe more considerate this time.

But I sought the permission of my friend to be able to write about this because there is a point I intended to raise with that guy.

I like him. My friend loves him. He is nice. So be assured that I will not be a b---.

If I had a chance to tell him this. My spiel will go this way: "T has been my friend for more than a decade now and I've seen him through the highs and lows of his queer life. I've seen his dreams, his passions, his convictions and his persona twist and blend to the times and to the needs of the one relationship that he, and even I, thought would be for life. That relationship that I witnessed had my friend metamorphose into someone he was not, just to keep it. For a while, it was even my model for long lasting relationships. But, one dashing third party ended it and the dasher was on the side of my friend's partner.

That was some twelve or more years of a relationship where my friend had to adjust and evolve just to prove that indeed he loved the guy and the guy loved him. Then one night, incidents proved that despite everything, the guy declared he did not love my friend anymore.

A year later, my friend, (who is very attractive so let's say there were many guys who lined up for the opening) had another crisis when his mom, our beloved tita, had a stroke.

Its been two months now, I think. And my friend has been personally taking care of his mother. Attending to her medicines, her bathing and her sustenance. This is the time that he has to focus on his energy and he has to find his light so that nothing, as much as possible, nothing negative will be passed on to his mom so she will not be upset or affected.

And here you come, with all your love for T. I will not question that. But please, stop doubting if he feels anything for you. I mean, if there are times that you think he is taking you for granted, remember his twelve years of having to prove his love for someone who eventually left. And also imagine how much he has to divert his attention to his mom.

And here you are, coming into his house. Feeling sorry if he didn't give you enough time or if he didn't verbalize his feelings for you.

Did you really come to see him because he loves you? Or, just like everybody else, you come to see him because you love him and to just see his face makes you happy?

My point now is, I was like you. I would ask to see someone I love and I would go out with him and in the middle of the date, I would expect that he would prove to me his love by manifesting it through words or through very clear gestures.

Usually, this kind of thinking, gets the relationship into trouble.
Try to see it from a different perspective and there may be less drama.

Stop doubting and stop asking for proof. Just focus on the fact that you come to see him because you really love him and love to be with him. Fact is, if you don't have feelings for him, I'm sure you will not bother.

So when you are together again, remember, that you are with him because you love him more than because he loves you.

You are actually very fortunate that someone like T can suffer twelve years for love and will devote time to take care of someone he loves when the person is incapacitated.

These two are clear manifestations of true love. The kind of love we rarely see and experience. So if you just open your mind and trust him, you too, might experience the kind of true love that he gives...