finally back!!!

was so busy for a few months with my movie QUICKTRIP that i not only forgot to log on here but totally forgot my password. until yesterday i remembered an important word... and person... and finally remembered...

so much has happened. "Quicktrip" with very little publicity made good audience turn out. and if you noticed that since two years ago, a cinema in robinsons galleria, ortigas has been devoted to screening only local independently produced digital movies. it's called INDIE SINE.

but to-date, there are far too many indie movies for indie sine to accommodate so my group decided to look for venues outside robinsons.

we are now screening indie movies on almost every week in isetann cinerama, recto, quiapo, manila.

we started last september with the re-screening of my past movies like "Duda", "Bathhouse". "Bilog", "Moreno", etcetera and we did perform well at the box office. i was surprised that "duda" and "bathhouse" still brought in some market.

isetann is intending to build their own indie circuit.

are you ready to play the game of love, online?

our first draft of our long trailer is here. its edited by my student james estrada. we've shown it already, including the full movie to some critics and they all liked the movie! hurray! i guess this is where my group has grown. finally our movie is technically ok including the sound.

Finally, the SISW Acting and Production Workshop Batch 2007 presents their graduation movie project: S.E.B. Cyber Game of Love, a compilation of four hearwarming, funny, bitter sweet love stories on young Pinoys and their ways of romantic dealings in the cyber space age.

SEB stars Julia Clarete, Rayan Dulay, TJ Trinidad, Justin De Leon, Marc Cortez and producer, written and directed by moi...

Synopsis

Every person will need to find four people in their lives. The First person is you. The Second person is the one you love most. The Third person is the
one who loves you most. And the Fourth is the one you spend the rest of your life with.

In life, firstly you will meet with the one you love most, and learn how love feels.

Because you know how love feels, so you can find the person who loves you most.

When you have experienced the feeling of loving others and being loved, you will then know what it is you need most. Then you will find the person who is most suitable for you, to be able to spend the rest of your life with.

Sadly, in real life, these three people are usually not the same person.

The one you love most doesn't love you. The one, who loves you most, is
never the one you love most.

And the one you spend your life with, is never the one you love most or the one who loves you most. He is just the person who happens to be at the right place at the right time. Which person are you in other people's life?

Set in present day Manila, some twenty-something guys and gals set up their eyeballs with people they just met on the world wide web. What are they looking for and who do they want to meet?

Daryl, 20 and Jamie, 20, both strangers to each other, agree to meet up with a hot guy they met on the internet chat rooms for a good time. The guy claims he is a celebrity actor. The girls both want to date a celebrity. When the three finally meet in a coffee shop and sit down, the girls begin to compete for the guy’s attention.

Menk, 22 and Dean, 26 finally agree to meet up after a year of being online sweethearts in the game “Perfect World”. But immediately after they make love, one realizes everything is a false alarm on love. How will the other take it when the partner realizes he is not in love anymore?

Khia, 25, knows she can not fulfill her duties her husband Mark. They have not had sex for two years. Khia decides to look for possible alternative partners for Mark on the internet. She finds an old love of Mark’s and asks the woman if she can do it with Mark, while Khia is watching on the webcam. The woman questions her morals and Khia explains how much she loves him more than anything else and how she just want him to be happy.

Nell, 29 and Andro, 25, are friends, and they one night realize that they have been living together as friends for many years but never considered that they may be the right one for each other.

Four situations, all about love and relationships, to give us a glimpse on how it is to be young and old, to love and break hearts, to connect and to disconnect, in the golden age of communication technology.

what it's like to be forty

i got this request for advice from a member in guys4men.com:
From: gian [history] [block!]
Date: 03 Jun 2008, 20:18
Hi! Interesteing posts you have on your profile.

So just wondering, how's life at 40? I'm 32 and starting to feel lonely =(

and here's my reply which i'd like to share with other thirty-something's who may be feeling a little low that they are still single at their age:

its a happy place to be! because before it was too late, i was able to turn my world around from someone who's main goal in life is to find a lifetime partner to someone who makes something of his life by realizing the next (to finding a lover) thing in his life's prioritites: making indie queer movies.

I actually almost didn't make it here because i was always out there trying to find someone for me and each time i saw a glimpse or a promise of that much coveted "love", I would easily grab it, to a point where the person representing it would be choking from the intensity of my desire to be with someone forever.

Start investing in positive actions, positive seeds that you think will complete you even when there is no one else with you. This is usually the thing that you have a passion for. It is usually a "something" and never a "someone". Usually its a dream you had when you were still innocent until harsh realities turned you into a cynic.
I always believed in the power and romance of the big screen and making movies that are shown on the big screen whether people appreciate it or not, has somewhat completed me.
There is always that person out ther waiting and preparing himself but he will not come into our life as our partner if one of you isn't ready yet.
So, do the things that make you happy and invest in good quality friends.
And if someone comes your way while you are still preparing for the perfect someone, try to relax and just enjoy and support each other. When its time for that person to leave, never think you invested anything nor that you should fight for him to stay. I believe that when his mission has been accomplished, he will have to part ways with you. So do it with less drama. You will realize that you can be friends forever, if only...
strive hard to be truthful and open...
And forty will be the best years of your life...

on raid of gay venues and your rights

Kagabi, ibinunyag ng aking kaibigan ang rason kung bakit sunod sunod ang raid ng mga blue bars at gay clubs. Ako'y tila nababagabag sa aking narinig... ahhh...kaya naman pala!

Pero, alam kong marami pa rin ang gustong pumunta sa mga ganitong lugar.

Kaya't heto ang mga dapat gawin tuwing may raid to ensure the safety and security of bar patrons and party goers, especially those who are Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, and Transgender (LGBT), from corrupt law enforcers / police, and criminals who pose as law enforcers.

Unang una, DO NOT PANIC!

1. Be polite and ask, "BAKIT PO?"

2. If s/he says, "Hinuhuli kita/Inaaresto kita/Dadalhin kita sa presinto/Iniimbitah an ka sa presinto," ask again, Bakit po? Ano po ang KASO?"

3. S/he will mention the CRIME. See chart for the list of common or usual crimes. If you are NOT an offender, inform the law enforcer that you are not committing a crime.

4. If you can, GET THE NAME of the law enforcer and his/her precinct number. This is for your personal security. Remember that some hold-uppers or kidnappers sometimes disguise themselves as law enforcers.

5. Before going with the law enforcer, INFORM AT LEAST THREE OTHER PERSONS. If possible, have them take a photo of you and the law enforcer.

6. Under the 2002 Philippine National Police (PNP) Operational Procedure, remember that
a. WARNING SHOTS ARE NOT ALLOWED in police interventions;
b. MEDIA PRESENTATION OF ARRESTED PERSONS IS GENERALLY NOT ALLOWED except for heinous crime, arrests with warrants, and arrests incident to a valid search; and
c. UNDERCOVER AGENTS MUST CARRY WITH THEM THEIR MISSION SLIP.

when its time to end the relationship

a forum thread in g4m asks: "what to do when your lover leaves you?" and "why are you still single?"

here's what i'd like to share about "loosing" someone you love thru a break up...

make sure you have friends and friends make sure that you are there for each other... when a friend's relationship ends, buy him a gift... go out on a date with your friend. have a pajama party where he can cry his heart out...

and friend, wag mong iisiping mapag-iisa ka na sakaling iwanan ka ng taong mahal mo. never think that you invested anything because you did not, you simply treated him as you think someone in love should. dapat kasi sa relationship (pagkakamali ko din ito before), never think in terms of panahong sinayang or ininvest... never think that it was your fault. never think that it was anybody's fault. when its time for two persons to part ways, be they lovers, friends or families, nothing can stop them from leaving... parting ways can mean many things, but mostly for you to learn about the meeting, the once in a lifetime encounter, the lessons... it is also the chance for you to take new paths... when someone you love leaves, it should never be negative, but a positive development...

this is really hard. like yesterday i just broke up with someone ( he said he is confused about his feelings at the moment and too sorry to see me in the meantime and is asking if we can be friends muna)...

but because i made a paradigm shift and took a new perspective in life, the ritual of breaking up or off is not as painful and as too dramatic...

its partly sad and partly scary... but i trust that something good is coming my way...

it was always like that... you will soon find out...

Do M2M Relationships Last?

A survey in one of the forums in the site guys4men asks: "Do M2M Relationships Last?"

Read the responses and most of them declare no, not for the Filipino queer community. It doesn't. Well, actually, nobody really mentioned Filipino. The answers were all in the general sense that all man to man or gay relationships don't last.

I itched to give my insights on the matter, so here goes:

"i think ang dapat na itanong ay ANO ANG UGALI NG PINOY KUNG BAKIT SA MGA BAKLA AY HINDI NAGTATAGAL ANG M2M RELATIONSHIP?

Kasi nababasa ko sa ibang bansa, for life talaga ang mga relasyon. Sa kanila malaki ang weight ng pagiging faithful and loyal.

Sa atin, masaya ka pa kapag tinawag kang putang bakla. Ang kaibigan nating ahas hindi din naman natin kinakastigo. Kakantiyawan lang tapos okay na.

Meron pa din naman sigurong m2m na nagtatagal at magtatagal pero kailangan alam ng dalawang parties na kahit anong mangyari, kapag may darating at darating na ibang taong dibersyon ay hayaan na lang nilang dumaan ito sa buhay nila. Pero maging totoo sila at huwag magsisinungaling or pagtatakpan ng mga kung anu-ano. Kung biglang may iba kang crush na iba eh sabihin sa lover and the lover must not take it against you nor take it as because he is being inadequate or becoming less attractive.

Now, kaya nagtatagal ay dahil pinaninindigan niyo ang isa't-isa. Tandaan na madaming darating sa buhay ng bawat isa. So dont force it. You can't stop them, ang mga taong may mga kakaunting mensahe at misyong dala sa buhay mo. Pero manindigan kayo ng lover or partner mo na sinuman ang dumating, kayong dalawa ay hindi maghihiwalay or matitinag dahil magiging totoo kayo sa isa't-isa.

Wag ikukumpara ang bagong dating sa dati mo nang mahal. Lagi namang hindi pantay yan kasi kani-kaniyang strengths and weaknesses. But if you compare, it will not be fair to the former lover because for sure, dahil you are more interested with the new one, the comparison will most likely be in favor of the new guy.

Understand that even feelings of love can pass specially when the honeymoon stage is over. Sometimes, one in the couple will be out of it earlier than the other. You have to deal with this cautiously. You may not be "in love" but you still love him. This is what stays: "just love".

And when a new romance comes, acknowledge but never leave your partner behind. Maybe make him a part of the process you are going through. This will hurt but he will trust you more because you are truthful and open. This way, your lover will not be left in the dark and will know what to do. If he throws up a tantrum, leaves you, then his concept of love is that he owns you. If he stays with you and becomes your friend, your most intimate friend, then he shows you that he loves you so much that even when your love fades, his stays and nurtures you in the new path your heart is taking. Who knows, when and if you are mature enough, you will know that even the new romance will fade. You will soon get through it and then you will realize that the relationship you had which has withstood time is the best for you and the one that truly makes you happy. Because you have been honest and truthful right from the start, going back to the relationship will not be difficult. Your lover knows you just had a phase.

This is very difficult. Because what it your love for your present partner is really gone? Then it will be a totally different story. Again, if you are truthful and shares your feelings, insights and even fears with your lover who should be your best friend, coming to terms with the fact that your path as partners now have to part will be less painful, less dramatic, less all the hassles of a bitter romance.

Know that everyone who comes into your life has a mission as well as you have a mission to them. And when that mission is fulfilled or over, then the crossing of your paths reveal new roads to take..."

available in your video shops soon

we deliver but there is a p100 charge that goes to the delivery boy for his trouble
you may contact 09208619880

Why every indie filmmaker and every indie enthusiast should watch Judy Ann Santos'

Initially, na-off ako nang ang unang nabasa kong stance about the "Ploning" movie was that Juday allegedly said its not an indie movie. Pero buti na lang it was later on corrected as to the context of what she meant when she said those.

"Ploning" is an independently produced digital film and to know that it is a story that has been in its Director Dante's heart and mind for years is to see how dreams can be realized in independent movie making rather than in mainstream cinema filmmaking.

Considering that it has a mainstream cinema celebrity actress in the lead role (Judy Ann Santos), the project is a milestone in the way it is being marketed and we, the "independents" should react favorably by supporting it.

Politically, "Ploning" is finally drawing attention to the independent cinema industry with the much publicized presence of Juday as co-producer. This is a signal now to other celebrities or personalities of stellar status that perhaps hindi na sila dapat magsiksikan sa sumisikip na ma-rigodong mundo ng over-rated television. This medium where I come from and where I still work on semi-regular basis needs attention din because while it is flourishing, the materials are becoming more nakaka-bobo, in terms of content. But tv is another story. And going back, Judy Ann investin her talent and money in an independent movie signals to other stars that perhaps its time to take a second look at the independent cinema industry? Perhaps there maybe a renewed interest by the public to this "mas nirerespeto nilang indie movies" (than the mainstream movies). IF THE MOVIE MAKES GOOD SA BOX OFFICE, DEFINITELY THE OTHER STARS WILL KNOW ITS TIME...

Another point is the way it is being publicized where both abs and gma seem to be giving "Ploning" airtime so that Juday can promote and inform the Filipino tv audience. IF THE MOVIE MAKES IT, SM CINEMA AND ROBINSONS WILL KNOW THAT A FACTOR WHERE THEY SHOULD INVEST INTO IS TO HELP POOR INDIES PROMOTE sa TV. I remember my second indie movie "Bathhouse" which had the then S Files of GMA 7 and another talk show program in ABS CBN feature John Sweet Lapus and Jet Alcantara and the very short airtime I got helped "Bathhouse" become an standing room only for every screening schedule for the entire week of screening in 2005, when indie was not yet that popular.

Of course, ang mahirap is if the "clueless" mainstream cinema decision makers credit the movie just to the "presence" of Juday (clueless talaga sila kasi wala naman tayong strategist talaga sa mainstream cinema at puro tayo art film critics walang economist/business point of view na critic). Palagay ko, the Juday factor happens on the first day. Pero ang susunod na mga araw ay may factor na din ng "word of mouth" tulad ng sa Pagdadalaga ni Maximo Oliveros noon.

Imagine if movie stars begin asking for indie movie projects, and then another set of stars telling us they will invest funds in our movie projects... and imagine if SM and Robinsons will add to their deal some television airtime? I hope these cinemas do not forget that other indie movies with non-celebrity status actors made it to the box office as well.

"Ploning" is a very positive project and is a milestone in the history of Philippine indie cinema industry. I pray it achieves the producers' and the actress's goals and those other paths and doors that it will open to the less fortunate or less funded or less starred-in indie endeavors bring us further to the forthcoming golden age of indie cinema.

join our group of indie cinema enthusiasts

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enrollment for indie movie acting workshp n indie acting workshop

Gusto mo ba mag-artista sa indie movies?
enroll na sa sinehan indie movie acting
workshop and act in two short films and
one full length as your graduation
project... kukuha pa kami at gagastos sa
celebrities bilang kapareha niyo...

classes start third week of april, m-w-f
from 5pm to 9pm but can be adjusted if
most of the students are coming from
work. 12-15 sessions, ull face the
camera every session and be critiqued.

workshop fee is only p6,000. u can get
ur own sponsors if u can, to finance ur fee.

come to unit 401 wil-vic construction
building 2, 96 v luna road extension,
barangay sikatuna, diliman, quezon city

INDIE MOVIE PRODUCTION WORKSHOP FOR STUDENTS

Learn the art, craft and business of
indie movie production from the
strategist himself, cris pablo, with
other directors and producers as speakers.

ull be making short films and produce a
full length movie at the end of the
workshop. We will provide the equipment.

contact 09294703059 or 09234796804 or
9720474.

Oh My High School Life!

Imagine after more than twenty years, you see them again and they are seeing you, in all that you have become; yet they seem to see the more innocent version of you; then they tell you how you have never aged and you tell them as well; or perhaps because as far as you can remember, here are the remnants of the times when you were still wonderful, and here are the people who appreciates you (in media you are quite wary of people praising you and lambasting you because you know everyone has a hidden agenda)... And everyone is just happy to see each other and to be with one another. One came all the way from Canada, another from Australia, and some from our beloved home province of La Union...

Ahhh, I pretended that night not to care... but I guess we all felt we really cared for and loved each other...

With me that night were Liwliwa Lachica, Namnama Lachica, Ronaldo Hufana, Clarissa Arcangel, Irene Dario and David Caloza... Missed our other close friends Resalie Rivera, Deborah Borja, Dionisio Alcantara, Elwyn Biazon...

Of course, Edward Aradanas, Mario Andrade, Jerry Estoque, ahhh, the names...

IN 1986, a month after the February Edsa Revolution that divided some of us in our high school barkada in the northern province of La Union, our section Rizal, the pilot section, graduated, all 40 plus of us, along with around a thousand other fourth year students of La Union National High School.

after more than 20 years (batch 1986) , we meet again
in Dad's at Glorietta, Makati (2008 Feb)

I never felt any melancholy at that time, probably because I was so excited with much my anticipated entrance to the University of the Philippines Institute of Mass Communications (which is now a college) where I was to major in Broadcast Communications.

I didn't take the marching up the stage seriously anymore, because, finally, it was over. Didn't have to prove anything anymore. I placed, as I expected and fought for, third, or first honorable mention of the graduating class. In our campus, that meant you were the third most studious or intelligent or simply most stupid to have lived by the rules and even pleased too many "live-by-the-rule" teachers to merit recognition.

Our valedictorian was David Caloza. He was in LUNHS section 1 from first year while the salutatorian Edward Aradanas came around third year. That was the same year I got promoted to section 1 after finishing my second year in section 3.

David Caloza (left) and the wannabe author, me

My first year was in Ateneo de Manila high school at Katipunan, Loyola Heights, in 1982. I transferred to La Union National High School because, well, I wanted to live with my mom and sister in La Union and because of one person. I don't know if he is still alive today.

To be honest, my high school life was very innocent but very dark. Imagine a sad talented young man who is left alone in the house with all the rotten books to read, only three television stations to switch on to, one fm station to listen to, and no one to speak with in the neighborhood.

I only came alive whenever I was in school. And not everyone was happy about it.

My closest friends were David and Edward with Liwliwa, our third honorable mention classmate-friend, as a respectable pal who would mediate whenever we had squabbles, all 11 plus of us, rowdy, self centered teenagers.

Clarisa was our fashion conscious muse with Resalie as the equally pretty spunky member while Liw and Nam, like twin sisters (but one is actually a year older) were our sweetest faced. Our "Manang Biday" type of dusky beauty was Deborah and Irene was the intellectual.

Then there's Dionisio who sings classic Filipino songs all afternoon before and after class, Ronaldo who did alot of funny antics that by now he would not have remembered, and Elwyn, who was really sweet.

At that time there were no pagers, no mobiles phones, no internet, and yes, even the land phone was a luxury only the elite could afford. Well, David had a phone at home, I think.

Our gimmicks were mostly school related activities but we managed to organize parties in line with our co-corricular events.

I enjoyed those sleep-overs and those trips out of town to attend week-long seminars.

We won some top awards too, except that whenever I qualified for a national level competition, I secretly chickened out and backed out or did something so that I would not win and be recognized. I guess I was scared of something or someone back then. It was a family secret, someone I hoped would not find us. I hope that person is already six feet under by now... No I won't write about that person here.

Anyway, those were still the best years of my life!

LONG TIME COMPANIONS

Born last October 2007, she will be my long time companion, Duda's sister...

I named her Tupah because she's like a sheep... When she is trying to get my attention, she gives a sweet unannoying cry, like a small child who is cautious the neighbors might be disturbed...

TUPAH, my toy poodle, 4 months

Tupah is very friendly and trusting. She never barks except during her play or role-playing game where she lets out quite a mouthful...

I think she is a stage actress in her former life as she has very expressive and soulful eyes.

Duda, mini-schnauzer, 3 years old

Way back in 2005, when I was being beaten and battered emotionally and physically by my then partner, I thought of having a dog as a pet. I thought back then that my partner wouldn't stay long since we always fought. I tried and fought very hard to keep him but eventually i woke up. It was a rollercoaster ride.

Duda turns 1 year old, 2005, ungroomed

One day, against my partner's wishes, I went to a village in Marikina and bought Shadow, a three month old female mini-schnauzer. We immediately connected and when I brought her home, my partner was just as enamored.

I named her Duda because that was my first commercially released full length movie.

It took three years before I finally decided to have a stud for Duda (we talked about it and it seemed that Duda was finally open to the idea).

I paid "stud services" only to find out three months later that it was a false pregnancy. The vet said Duda may have been too fat.

So I asked my brother-in-law Romy to walk her everyday.

Duda now lives with my mom and sister in our newly bought house in Bulacan (my gift for Mama).

SISW INDIE WORKSHOPS

-

"Retaso", "Kiss Meeh Manananggal Meeh" and "SEB Cybergame of Love"

3 final projects from SISW Graduates:

March 11, 2008

INDIE MOVIE ACTING WORKSHOP ENROLLMENT NOW OPEN!
Enroll now at SINEHAN INDIE SUMMER WORKSHOPS
from the makers of “DUDA”, “BATHHOUSE”, “BILOG”, “METLOGS”, “MORENO”, “RETASO”, “PITONG DALAGITA”

BE AN INDIE MOVIE STAR!!!

ACT IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA EVERY SESSION. STAR IN 2 SHORT FILMS AND
A FULL LENGTH MOVIE AS GRADUATION PROJ. WORKSHOP SCHED IS 2ND WEEK APRIL TIL MAY. MON-WED-FRI 5PM – 9PM, Q.C., fee only P6,000.00
Contact: 09294703059 or 09234796804 OR VISIT THE SINEHAN OFFICE FOR ENROLLMENT at Unit 401, Wil-VIC Building 2, #96 V. Luna Rd. Ext., Diliman, QC

********

Last summer of 2007, we officially began the Sinehan Indie Summer Workshops and offered two short-term courses: the indie movie beginner's production workshop for students and the indie movie acting workshop.

Both workshops covered not only an extensive overview of indie movie production but had the students participate in several production projects.

The final projects were four full length indie digital movies:

"Retaso" (Fragments)

starring Ray-an Dulay, Angela Antonio,
Andro Morgan and Ms Ynez Veneracion

"Kiss Meeh Manananggal Me"
starring Alysa Alano, JV Roxas, Rey Pumaloy

"SEB Cyber Game of Love"Arlan Degullacion, student, in his bed scene with
Julia Clarete in Cybergame of Love

"Iglap" (Sudden)
starring and introducing Arjay Reyes

This 2008, we will again hold the SISW for students and those who want to venture into independent digital video moviemaking. A course for those who want to perform in indie movies will also be offered. You may contact 09276587655 or 09294703059 for details.

Queeriosity Project

COVERBOYZ FANTASIES

coming soon from Queeriosity Video Project, another direct-to-video vignettes of young men,
those who have appeared as models for both high end and low end Philippine boy mags...
Arjay Reyes aka Xander

this young man's name is Arjay Reyes/Xander.
Coverboyz Fantasies Video will be available in the market soon. Sponsors of the project will get advance viewing privileges in selected exclusive clubs where the video will have a soft launch...

Hope our brothers in the community who are bootlegging other titles will spare locally produced movies if they can't reall stop themselves...

Simpleng Awit at Bukas Muli

I'm working on the script for the Bathhouse - The Musical movie and I'm posting the theme song that was supposedly composed by the lead character Rico in the movie Bathhouse (portrayed by then 18 year old Ray-an Dulay). Immediately after the movie was shown in 2004, I received several emails from those who saw the movie and they asked where they could get a cd copy of the theme song.


The lyrics goes...


Simpleng Awit (lyrics by Crisaldo Pablo and music by Ato Del Rosario)

I
Simple lang ang awit ko, bulong ng nadarama ko
Kahit isang sukling ngiti, ang aking hinihingi
Habang buhay magsasama, habambuhay magsasama

II
Simple lang ang awit ko, bulong ng iniisip ko
Ang titigan mo sana, at magpakilala ka
Minahal ka ng walang hanggan, minahal ka na ng walang hanggan


Refrain:
Kahit isang gabi, mayakap ka ng isang saglit
Mga labi'y magkadikit, at sana'y iyong mahalin
Makakaasa ka, na bukas ay, maalala pa
At laging madarama, halik ng gabing naroon ka...


III
Simple lang ang awit ko, bulong ng minimithi ko
Ang lapitan mo sana, at mayakap pa kita
Ngunit bakit di magkasama, bakit di magsasama?


Refrain:
Kahit isang gabi, mayakap ka ng isang saglit
Mga labi'y magkadikit, at sana'y iyong mahalin
Makakaasa ka, na bukas ay, maalala pa
At laging madarama, halik ng gabing naroon ka...


And for the dark souls, here's the reason why the character Cris, Rico's love interest (portrayed in the movie by Jett Alcantara) has been cynical about true love...



Bukas Muli (lyrics by Crisaldo Pablo and music by Ato del Rosario)


Alam ko na pano nagsimula
Ang walang hanggang katapusan
Paikot-ikot lang, walang pinuntahan

Nadama ko na bawat ikot
ng walang hanggang katapusan
Paikot-ikot lang, walang kahulugan


Sa piling mo, ako'y namamatay nawawalang saysay
Sa bawat oras na kapiling, sa bawat sandaling magkasiping
Sa bawat halik ng katotohanang
Bukas muling maghihiwalay...

Do you love me?

Character Von Ragana asks his boy-love Erik in the digital movie "Duda" (Doubt): "... but do you love me... I mean, do you love me?" In the scene, Erik is starry eyed and he does not even have say it because his entire face is declaring his love for Von, but the latter even has to ask it. In the movie, Erik has a committed relationship with Cris which makes Von, the third party. When he asks the question, you begin to ask, is he just playing with Erik or he is, like Cris, in doubt, of the very young man's heart.

"Duda" was made in 2002 and just a few nights ago this February 2008, my old friend T and I went to talking about his partner (-then-ex-then partner again-then ex again-and so on and so forth) who to my opinion has been taking him for a roller coaster relationship.

They look cool together and he is as cute and charming as my friend T. I never witnessed them argue nor fight so I was just basing my opinion on what my friend told me. Well, aren't we supposed to be biased for our friends when it comes to their relationships?

Anyway, since last year, each time I asked my friend about his new relationship (T had an almost twelve years of live together relationship which eventually turned into a non-exclusive sexually open relationship until the other guy found someone he felt was worthy of dumping my friend T for), he would always mention about their recent argument and it was always about petty things that boiled down to him testing T's feelings.

The guy seemed to always doubt if T was really in love with him. Let me make this clear. I meant that the guy seemed to always require T to declare verbally that he loves him before everything would be solved. Other days he would just disappear and that left my friend hanging. All the time. The guy would be sweet then in a snap would find a reason to feel bad or offended about petty things and he would nag my friend or he would just walk away.

T was happy with the guy specially when they were okay because T really had feelings for him. And T really liked the sweetness and thoughtfulness of the guy.

But each time the guy was angry, T just couldn't see the declared love in his angry eyes nor in hurtful words. It was as if the guy never felt any of the positive declarations and insinuations about his love for T.

This happened several times in cycles that the last time the guy did the same thing, my friend didn't exert extra effort to appease him anymore.

My friend made it clear to me that he loved the guy. However, he just couldn't go through the rollercoaster ride anymore. And so when, just like before, after a few days, the guy started texting him again, T just gave a cold shoulder.

Of course, two weeks later, the shoulder gave way. They seemed to be back again and the guy seemed to be more cautious and maybe more considerate this time.

But I sought the permission of my friend to be able to write about this because there is a point I intended to raise with that guy.

I like him. My friend loves him. He is nice. So be assured that I will not be a b---.

If I had a chance to tell him this. My spiel will go this way: "T has been my friend for more than a decade now and I've seen him through the highs and lows of his queer life. I've seen his dreams, his passions, his convictions and his persona twist and blend to the times and to the needs of the one relationship that he, and even I, thought would be for life. That relationship that I witnessed had my friend metamorphose into someone he was not, just to keep it. For a while, it was even my model for long lasting relationships. But, one dashing third party ended it and the dasher was on the side of my friend's partner.

That was some twelve or more years of a relationship where my friend had to adjust and evolve just to prove that indeed he loved the guy and the guy loved him. Then one night, incidents proved that despite everything, the guy declared he did not love my friend anymore.

A year later, my friend, (who is very attractive so let's say there were many guys who lined up for the opening) had another crisis when his mom, our beloved tita, had a stroke.

Its been two months now, I think. And my friend has been personally taking care of his mother. Attending to her medicines, her bathing and her sustenance. This is the time that he has to focus on his energy and he has to find his light so that nothing, as much as possible, nothing negative will be passed on to his mom so she will not be upset or affected.

And here you come, with all your love for T. I will not question that. But please, stop doubting if he feels anything for you. I mean, if there are times that you think he is taking you for granted, remember his twelve years of having to prove his love for someone who eventually left. And also imagine how much he has to divert his attention to his mom.

And here you are, coming into his house. Feeling sorry if he didn't give you enough time or if he didn't verbalize his feelings for you.

Did you really come to see him because he loves you? Or, just like everybody else, you come to see him because you love him and to just see his face makes you happy?

My point now is, I was like you. I would ask to see someone I love and I would go out with him and in the middle of the date, I would expect that he would prove to me his love by manifesting it through words or through very clear gestures.

Usually, this kind of thinking, gets the relationship into trouble.
Try to see it from a different perspective and there may be less drama.

Stop doubting and stop asking for proof. Just focus on the fact that you come to see him because you really love him and love to be with him. Fact is, if you don't have feelings for him, I'm sure you will not bother.

So when you are together again, remember, that you are with him because you love him more than because he loves you.

You are actually very fortunate that someone like T can suffer twelve years for love and will devote time to take care of someone he loves when the person is incapacitated.

These two are clear manifestations of true love. The kind of love we rarely see and experience. So if you just open your mind and trust him, you too, might experience the kind of true love that he gives...

are you worth it?

Its February 14 now and so may I greet you a Happy Valentine’s Day as cheerful as the commercialized concept of this celebration is and may I wish you to have something exciting and truly marvelous today, with or without someone else to validate all the questions you have about whether you are worthy. Now, that word: “worthy” or “worth” is something truly heavy. To not have it is like to not have any reason to exist in any possible plane. Is it worth it? Are you worth it? I guess, for me, the answer will always be: Yes. Everything, every pain, every foolishness, every stumble, every negative word that has been hurled against you upfront or behind your back is worth it. I don’t seem to make sense, right? Well, that’s the way I see things in my life now. Everything that comes your way is exactly what you need at the moment and if you just embrace it and learn from it, you will always win. Who said that if too many people don’t like you makes you a looser? Well, how many people had Jesus Christ crucified during his prime? Who said that if have gotten through too many failed relationships makes you a looser? Well, how many people who are in a “so-called loving partnership/relationship” really have a “loving” relationship? I remember several years ago when I was with a female pal and I was wallowing in being single and alone and about how even one of our gay friends already has several years to his “live together” relationship. I kept mumbling about not finding the one for me until my girl friend interrupted with a “in those several years, I guess only two or less will be what you can declare a true relationship between this friend of ours and his boyfriend!” Ha! So I stopped being silly. Of course, I became foolish, really foolish later when I got myself into turbulent relationships. May I say, I have been to hell and back, then to hell again, and back again, and… alright, it was worth it! I gradually realized what it is I truly wanted. I learned to prioritize. I even learned to love myself, can you believe that?!!! The key to making it all worth it is to try to see things from varying perspectives. Always try, to not understand, but accept that everyone, just like you, have their own biases/prejudices. And if, they think that saying something truly nasty about you is what you deserve, let them have their time of day. What people hurl towards you is exactly who they are in the kind of world they deserve. If they believe that you did them something wrong premeditatively, then its because they see themselves as worthy of such plots in their world… It does not have to be true in yours… What you see and how you deal with your life is your declaration of the kind of space you are worthy of in this universe… Again, a truly deserved happy valentine’s for you…

are you happy now?

Met up with an old friend from up tonight. It's not like we haven't seen each other for ages, since we both work for the same network (though she's out of the country most of the time while I seldom go to the network's office.) Sipping coffee with another pretty thirty-something single mom, my old friend asked me: "what is your lesson in life so far?"

For you queer pals out there, you might say, it could be the moment that every beauty-pageant-loving-queer-guy had waited for: the moment someone asked you a philosophical question. A question you could answer with a witty statement worthy of the pageant-queen crown.

"What is your lesson in life, so far?"

I immediately answered her. Without really thinking about it, I told her, "Being happy is not about having a choice nor being able to get what you want. It is about accepting that what you can have at the moment is exactly how you need it at that time. So do not regret nor feel bitter about anything and try to enjoy your epiphanies."

Some of you might think that i was just trying to impress anybody including myself. But at that moment, I felt it was really like speaking from my heart.

Hours later, I went back to my independent movie production office-home, and looked at the clutter, the messy state of our ten-square-meters room. I thought about what i told my old friend earlier.

I saw the posters of the eight independent digital video movies that I have produced, written and directed and realized how little money I had from the beginning and until now. Way back in 2002, I was making some Sixty-thousand Pesos monthly. Now I don't have any idea if I was making any income each month. My contemporaries are now highly placed in major television networks while I would consider myself as a nobody up to this time.

Then my toy poodle Tupah started crying to call my attention. I tried to ignore her because I was trying to extract some tinge of regret from myself.

To be honest, I never saw myself as an artist, but, just a communicator with so little money and so much guts. I never won any of those high acclaims that other independent directors have won in international festivals abroad. But I kept making digital video movies.

I kept making the movies I wanted, even if several people even hated me for making movies that they considered to be far below their standards.

I kept making movies I wanted, even if my budget was far below the standard production-budget to afford a fifty-thousand pesos professional editor and the four-thousand per day professional cinematographer (dop).

I kept making movies I wanted, even if I didnt have a real set of creative production team of a professional or experienced line producer/manager, director of photography/cinematographer, production designer, editor, music scorer to make a professionally made movie.

I kept making movies I wanted, even if it it would mean I wouldnt have enough savings for my
hospitalization should I get into a health emergency.

I kept making movies I wanted, even if my love interests argued i never had time and then dumped me.

I kept making movies: "Duda" (Doubt), "Bathhouse", "Bilog" (Circles), "Metlogs", "Pitong Dalagita" (Seven Ladies), "Moreno" (Bronze), "Retaso" (Fragments), "Kiss Meeh Manananggal Me", "SEB Cyber Game of Love" and "Habi" (Weave).

And I have decided to make more: "Boylet", "Lansa" (Stench), "Showboyz", "Puerto Heat", "Ganda" (Beauty), "Maria Maria Marias", "Iglap" (Sudden), "Hinala" (Hunch)...

That's when I realized my lesson in life so far.

It was exactly as I said to my friend earlier and further... True bliss came into my life late, in my 39th year, because I have accepted and appreciated myself, even if many others didn't.

Because I began to accept and appreciate, I kept moving on, forward...

and I began to feel joy.

I then played with Tupah and had a good night of mindless chat with my "found family", Jojo and Rodel.

it begins here...

I don't know how to begin my "blogging"... so I'll just post my profile write up for my account in g4m...

every year something new comes your way, so please take the time to read...


dec 2005, the night i joined this site...

hi! thanks for dropping by. I'm 38 now. If you happened to have passed by several years ago, I would have been dying to make out with you. But I guess this time, its different. If its loneliness or boredom that brought you here, then, maybe I can share with you a thing or two. If you are for hookups, good luck to you. If you are still confused or in denial as to why you are here, well, life's a journey.

So thanks for passing by...

aug29,2006

39. waited 39 years. when i was 29 you came and it felt like heaven. heaven lasted three years. then a long pause. longing. desperation. going 30's made me scared as all my friends were turning almost two decades with the relationships that they had at the time... i was always left alone. so i tried to find you again. searched for you. then somehow i saw a glimpse of you that midnight in puerto galera. it was my big mistake, forcing it. making myself believe that it was you i found. but no matter how big the mistake i made, it was enough to move me to make my first full length digital movie. that movie is history now. then i saw the promised you again. but it was all a mistake. one big mistake because i rushed and forced it, your coming into my life... only to realize that it was never you...

so now, 39 years of waiting and believing that you will be coming... i think its time to hang up.

i long, still... i feel you are there. but does it still matter if i find you in this lifetime?

i will be leaving all these by my lonesome anyway.


Oct 30, 2007

Took me a while this year to write my insights now that i am 40. did you know that a lot of my passersby read my 2006 entry as something sad? when in fact for me it was something happy, something very neutral...

I guess, it will depend on how you have been and where you are coming from. So how you feel when you read 2006, will be how you saw and felt about your recent experiences or your most important past...

which is why, i write this... to tell you that you didnt make any mistakes. you didnt do anything wrong. i mean, none of those were intended to hurt me. and that i have not only forgiven you and, me... but i have also seen things from a different light.

we have made no mistakes. everything we have done and everyone who have crossed our path came in order for us to see how we have focused so much on the least important and almost lost what was always essential: true love...

this might scare you if i tell you that if you truly love, then life shouldn't stop for you, and the one you love... that you shouldn't force each other to commit... that you shouldn't be afraid that one day he may not see you again and be with someone else... true love will empower you that you can be by your lonesome and yet be happy with the good memories of the ones you loved, or should i say, the ones who helped you experience love, all the ideals and misconceptions of it...

so now i am in love... not the way that everyone sees it should be. but how i think true love should always be... something blissful yet never selfish because i am mostly single yet so committed to that one person who will complete me: no one else but i, me, myself... i was the one i was looking for after all...

and it helped a lot that one day, after being battered physically and emotionally by a partner, i decided that if i could not have the man i wanted then maybe i can have the next thing i wanted: making my own movies! so eight movies after, i am here, still single, yet very happy... yes, i do feel low sometimes but the ecstatic feeling of being finally complete without relying on someone else to make you feel happy, this is something that i pray others will eventually move on to, no matter how devastating, how painful, how tragic and traumatic their lovelives will be...

so i see you now, love, and i am happy to know that there are indeed others who are willing to be with me for the rest of their years to experience "life"...

i am taking my time now. 40. and the year is almost over. i wish you can be this happy.